This is a hilarious parody of Jimmy Buffet.
A year or so ago, I went to the dentist and found out my gums are receding. Why? Because I am getting old and my body is doing lots of terrible things I don’t want it to do.
To fight this problem, I started rinsing my gums (and the other things in my mouth) with Crest Pro Health Multi-Protection Mouthwash. Because right there on the bottle it says it helps prevent gingivitis. Also, no burn of alcohol!
Around the same time I started getting gross brown stains on my teeth. I drink coffee every day, so I assumed this was also a result of my unyielding march to the grave. The stains got so bad my dentist accused me of being a smoker and then a liar when I told him I was not a smoker. He also told me to stop drinking coffee. But… that did not happen. Sorry, if I am slowly dying I am going to drink coffee during my long goodbye.
So for a year or so now I have been fighting to keep my gums while praying for the serenity to accept the coffee stains I cannot change. Every few weeks, I’d fill-up a to-go mug of Ethiopian Espresso Roast and swing by the CostCo to pick up a multi-pack of Crest Pro-Health.
Until last night…
Last night I noticed I was low on my gum-saving sauce, but I don’t have time to go to CostCo this week, so I climbed into bed and surfed on over to Amazon.com to see about having a man deliver it directly to my door like I’m some kind of prince.
Well… Amazon has something CostCo does not. Reviews. And this mouthwash had a 172 reviews with an average of only two-stars.
Why so low? A sampling:
"Excellent product if you want brown teeth!"
"STAINS YOUR TEETH! This is a TERRIBLE product."
"The Devil’s Elixir. I don’t normally look in my mouth, but one evening, after a few months of Pro-Health, I peeled back a lip to examine the roots and gum line, and YEE GODS!! It was like looking in the mouth of a cadaver! Hideous dark brown stains."
This went on and on. I leapt out of bed, filled with the vigor of a young man who’s teeth enamel may not have disintegrated as much as he once thought.
The reason I have brown stains on my teeth is not because I am a decaying coffee slurper. It’s because a huge corporation sells a product that claims to clean teeth but actually stains teeth. AND THEY KNOW IT.
So… I feel pretty stupid. I swished blue stuff around in my mouth every day for a year without having any idea what was really in it. I trusted a corporation. I saw Last Vegas because I thought my brown teeth meant I was the target demographic.
But no more. I am young again! And in search of the sweet, comforting burn of alcohol. Preferably bourbon.
What I value about the improv community is that it’s a community. It’s certainly competitive. Everybody is ambitious and wants to get ahead and succeed, but the nature of the scene is predicated on not singular exceptionalism but ensemble. I feel that ethos is what makes the improv world a very collaborative world.
It’s no mistake that I get a lot more jobs now that my friends are in positions to run their own shows. Everybody in our world is always looking out for each other. There are certainly those people for whom it’s all about them, but those are few and far between in the improv world. It’s more about teams, whether it’s a sketch group or an improv team, everything is based on the ensemble. That began then and continues now."
If policemen and doctors would just do their jobs, we wouldn’t have any crime or any death.
Look, I know you cops like hanging out at Dunkin Donuts most of the day. I know you doctors like playing golf every afternoon. But if you want to keep your cushy jobs, you’re going to have to step up and show us some RESULTS to justify your pay.
If a police department has more than three crimes per month committed in its jurisdiction, funding for the department will be cut, and some police officers will have to be fired until the crime rate goes down. If a two or more patients under a doctor’s care die (for any reason) in a single year, fifty-percent of that doctor’s salary will be garnished by the government, and he will risk losing his medical license if the survival rates do not improve.
Now, I already hear you complaining. “I’m a police officer in a dangerous area. We risk our lives each day, and we can’t afford to lose funding or manpower.” Or, “I’m a doctor who specializes in treating cancer patients and the elderly. I work as hard as I can to keep them alive against incredible odds.”
Well, guess what? Nobody forced you to become a police officer or a doctor. Get with the program, or get out of the field."
FULL FILM NOW AVAILABLE ONLINE FOR VIEWING!!!
For a limited time, On The Cusp, Off The Cuff is available for viewing on YouTube!
It has been quite a journey! I started filming this project in January of 2011. I filmed over 60 hours of footage - improv shows, practices, team hangouts, one-on-one interviews. After I had all the footage it started to take shape into the film that you can watch now - from 60 hours down to 55 minutes (note to would-be documentarians: go ahead and make a outline first and then go get that footage, rather than letting the footage speak to you).
Thanks to everyone who agreed to be a part of the film, but especially thank you to the film’s five stars: Riley Soloner, Sasheer Zamata, John Trowbridge, J.D. Amato, and Allie Kokesh. These folks let me interview them repeatedly, bother them at intimate moments with sticking a camera in their face when they probably just wanted to be left alone, and were just generally incredibly helpful from start to finish.
And thank you again to all of the Kickstarter donors who allowed me to make this film!
Nate made a great little window into the odd love of improv that so many of us share.
Also, in strict storytelling terms, I pretty sure I’m the villain in this.
*Here there be spoilers*
I keep reading recaps and reviews on the internet this morning about how the ending to Breaking Bad was a happy one because Walt killed his enemies and (probably) got money to his son. And some have criticized the ending for being too neat a triumph.
Originally, Walter White found out he was dying and wanted to provide for the family who loved him and supported him. Five seasons later, he died alone, not from cancer but at his own hand, with no money and no family.
Why is that a happy ending? Because he killed a few people arguably worse than him? Again? Because his little plan worked?
The shot of Walter White, all alone, admiring a makeshift neo-Nazi meth lab as he dies from a gunshot wound from his own gun, is absolutely the bleakest possible ending I could imagine. No fireworks. No catharsis. Just the reality that because of his pride, his ego, his self-hatred… he got absolutely nothing that he actually wanted.
He bankrupted his family. He caused countless people immeasurable pain and loss. He died sooner than he would have from the cancer. And he died alone.
And yet in the final moments of the series, Vince Gilligan made us momentarily forget all of that. Because Walter seems to forget all of that. We watch a serene, smiling, seemingly satisfied Walter White literally caressing his cold chemistry. Could any ending be more messy than that? Could anything be more tragic?
But hey, some neo-nazis died! And a guilt-ridden, hopelessly self-destructive, literally-scarred-for-life Jesse drove away real fast, so…
We put a Carnegie Hall orchestra in the middle of New York City and placed an empty podium in front of the musicians with a sign that read, “Conduct Us.” Random New Yorkers who accepted the challenge were given the opportunity to conduct this world-class orchestra. The orchestra responded to the conductors, altering their tempo and performance accordingly.
Read the full story: Conduct Us | Improv Everywhere
This is great.
Twitter is fun.
I feel like this should be in an art gallery somewhere.