the Anthony King

This is very hilarious. adamconover: Dan, Kelly, and Arthur...

Wed, 23 May 2012 15:09:29 -0700

This is very hilarious.

Dan, Kelly, and Arthur handed out these unbelievably hilarious fake restaurant menus at the Great Googa Mooga Festival in Brooklyn this weekend, and people are freaking out about them. Click through to see the whole thing. It’s a big batch of truly inspired gut-busting nonsense.

A CONTEMPORARY MUSICAL THEATRE SONG This is dead on.

Fri, 18 May 2012 10:57:03 -0700

A CONTEMPORARY MUSICAL THEATRE SONG

This is dead on.

Here’s something I’m excited about: I just got hired...

Wed, 16 May 2012 16:22:14 -0700

Here’s something I’m excited about: I just got hired to write for this show!

It stars Anne Heche and God (who I hear is a pretty good improvisor).

My wife is pretty much killing it. katespencer: This past...

Wed, 16 May 2012 11:17:46 -0700

My wife is pretty much killing it.

katespencer:

This past weekend I flew 22 hours roundtrip to the United Kingdom and then drove two hours out to the countryside to interview the cast of Snow White and the Huntsman at a castle in Arundel. It was basically a dream experience for me, what with my love of Kristen Stewart and Charlize Theron and the free wine on British Airways. Also, you guys - CHRIS HEMSWORTH’S FACE. Lord help us all.

I was in a nervous, jet-lagged haze the entire time, and when we weren’t doing interviews at a castle (a fucking castle!!!) I got to nerd out with other online writers/bloggers/correspondents who I read and admire. It was an amazing “I love my job so much” experience, and I am honored I got to be a part of it.

And yeah, I talked to Kristen Stewart about playing trumpet again (and learning French).

MAY 11, 2002** My mother died ten years ago. I remember looking...

Thu, 10 May 2012 20:08:00 -0700

MAY 11, 2002**

My mother died ten years ago.

I remember looking at her body in the hospital after she was gone and thinking, “This is what pure sadness feels like.” Untainted by anger or regret. No buttress of hope for a solution.

I remember driving home and thinking, “She will never see me get married. Or have a kid.” And realizing how heartbroken she would be if she knew.

I remember standing on the back porch of my childhood home and having the distinct, overwhelming feeling that if I walked back inside, she would be sitting on the couch. And I thought, “Oh. Now I know what ghosts are.”

I remember worrying about my father. For the first time in my life. Because he was alone. And scared. And I thought, “I guess now I’m an adult.”

I remember the funeral. When, for reasons I still don’t understand, the tears stopped. And I never cried again.

I remember standing over her in the cemetery. And I had clear certainty that she was not in heaven, or looking over me, or in a better place. She was right there. Under my feet. Under the ground. Dead. And the last vestiges of my faith were gone.

For better or worse, the only things that mattered to my mother were the Lord and our family. She raised independent sons and never fully accepted what that meant for her once we were grown. She believed in the power of prayer in ways I will never understand (and, in some ways, envy). And she never failed to have a strong-headed opinion about every single thing (especially things she knew nothing about).

She was a stubborn woman. She held a family of stubborn men together. And she suffered for it.

We’ve suffered without her.

———————-

**Obviously this picture is not from 2002. I think it’s from 1982? Taken at a family reunion in Texoma, TX (or OK?). Everyone in this picture got fatter.

Evolution vs. Creationism

Wed, 09 May 2012 13:01:30 -0700

OBAMA: “There’s no doubt that as I see friends, families, children of gay couples who are thriving…that has an impact on how I think about these issues.”

ROMNEY: “My view is that marriage is a relationship between a man and a woman…I don’t intend to make any adjustments at this point. … Or ever, by the way.”

boringoldraphael: For your vintage feel-good cry of the day —...

Tue, 08 May 2012 18:59:39 -0700

boringoldraphael:

For your vintage feel-good cry of the day — On Cheers, Coach tries to talk his daughter out of marrying a man who doesn’t love her.

I think Conover showed me this scene like a year ago, and even without the context of the rest of the episode it’s incredibly powerful. Sincerity is the hardest thing to pull off in comedy and a lot of shows don’t even try. Or do they do try and it feels cheap and unearned. But when a comedy dares to just not be funny for a few minutes, and when they pull it off, it’s like nothing else.

Scenes like this one — this is what television is for.

suzannejoskow: - Maurice Sendak

Tue, 08 May 2012 11:14:04 -0700

suzannejoskow:

- Maurice Sendak

LUNETTE

Thu, 03 May 2012 16:34:00 -0700

INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - NIGHT

DETECTIVE GARDNER is sitting across from JING JANG NELSON, a notorious idiot.

GARDNER: We can place you at the scene, Jing Jang. You left your fingerprints all over it.

NELSON: Don’t think so. Ain’t got no fingerprints.

GARDNER: Everybody’s got fingerprints.

NELSON: Not me. Last time you put me under arrest, you said I left my fingerprints all over that crime scene.

GARDNER: You sure did.

NELSON: Then use your brains! If I left ‘em there, that means I ain’t got ‘em no more. DUH!

(Gardner takes a deep breath and stands.)

GARDNER: Jing Jang, let me get this straight. You think… that because we found your fingerprints at the last crime scene… that means you can’t leave them at this one.

NELSON: Can’t leave a thing twice! Even my dumb nephew Tom knows that and all he does is ride roller coasters all day.

GARDNER: Okay. I don’t care about your dumb nephew.

(Nelson leaps to his feet.)

NELSON: YOU WATCH YOUR MOUTH! Only family and our pastor gets to call Tom dumb.

(A tense pause. Finally Gardner sits.)

GARDNER: I think we’re getting off-topic.

NELSON: That’s cause you ain’t got no case.

(Nelson laughs and sits back in his chair.)

GARDNER: I do have a case.

NELSON: Nuh-uh.

GARDNER: Yes I do.

NELSON: NUH….. UH.

GARDNER: Making a louder grunting noise and putting a pause in the middle of it does not make it a good response.

NELSON: Nar nar nar nar nar!

GARDNER: What the hell is that?!

NELSON: That… is a made-up language that only I know.

GARDNER: Okay, well that’s useless.

NELSON: Not to me.

GARDNER: Also, all you did was repeat the word “nar” a bunch of times.

NELSON: Wanna know what I said?

GARDNER: (sighing) Sure, Jing Jang.

NELSON: Well let’s see… “Nar” means hello then “nar” means jerk, then “nar” means pudding and “nar” means canteen, and I can’t remember what the last “nar” means.

GARDNER: So you said, “Hello jerk, pudding canteen nar?”

(Nelson leaps to his feet.)

NELSON: YOU WATCH YOUR MOUTH!

(Suddenly the moon crashes into the earth and everyone dies.)

THE END

———————-

This post is part of a “daily” writing exercise in which I use Merriam-Webster’s Word of the Day as a suggestion for free writing that is mostly unedited, probably not complete and may or may not be particularly interesting.

Connor is a smart and very nice man. connorratliff: Best...

Tue, 01 May 2012 23:02:55 -0700

Connor is a smart and very nice man.

connorratliff:

Best Friends Forever has not been cancelled.

Amazingly, I’ve seen multiple articles saying it HAS been. (Hey, New York Daily News! Your article is factually inaccurate.) Stuff like that bugs me, because perception is a big deal when a show is “on the bubble” and it doesn’t help matters to have a bunch of lazy articles saying it’s already cancelled.

Fortunately, outlets like The Washington Post and VH-1 bothered to not only get their facts straight but also to shine a light on the online petition to save the show and the possibility that fan support might help get the series a second chance. There is hope, and that’s good news for fans of the show.

The good news for NBC is that Best Friends Forever has everything it takes to be a hit TV show. It’s smart and funny and appealing. Lots of people will watch this if it is promoted right and scheduled properly— I suspect that there are smart people making decisions at NBC who are aware of this, and that’s hopefully why the show hasn’t been cancelled.

This isn’t just wishful thinking on my part— if NBC has any institutional memory at all, they know that there is value in giving good shows a chance to find their audience. And if they have a sense that this scrappy little show has, in less than a month, managed to attract a small-but-passionate fan base, that could be enough to convince them that it’s worth ordering a second season.

I posted the other day that, in addition to the online petition (which you should e-mail to all your friends and get them to sign it, okay?), one could buy a BFF season pass on iTunes for the cost of a New York City movie ticket (or a ticket-and-a-half if you live in the Midwest)— it’s a way to vote with your dollars for this show to continue.

You could also go to hulu for free and rate the show and add it to your “favorites.” You could then send that link around to friends who haven’t seen the show and get them to watch it. If NBC isn’t going to air any episodes this month, maybe a spike in online viewing will get their attention. Every little bit helps, and word-of-mouth is still one of the most effective ways of making something more popular. If you know somebody that you think would like BFF, send them the link and tell them to watch it!

SIGN the online petition

BUY the Season Pass on iTunes

WATCH it & rate it & tell your friends to watch it on HULU

Also: keep it up on twitter— @NBC @NBCBFF #saveNBCBFF #saveBFF and so forth. If people are up in arms for a week and then NBC doesn’t hear anything else about it, it won’t count for much. A tweet or two a day doesn’t require much effort, but collectively it can make an impression.

ABSTRUSE

Tue, 01 May 2012 13:40:00 -0700

Items found in an old “Idea” file from a computer I no longer use:

—Pizza Sharks - These cool sharks love pizza and sunglasses

—Ironosaurus Rex & Meanderthal - Unlikable prehistoric friends, one is a sarcastic dinosaur and the other is a narcissistic caveman

—Horse Force - Hardcore police horses that want humans to get off their backs

—Bogart the Centaur - Bogart is always stealing everybody’s lunches from the refrigerator.

—Conventional Wisdom Cat - Everyone thinks this cat is smart (because he’s a cat) but he really just says what everyone is already thinking.

—

Billy and the Football Team
A Story for Young Readers

Billy was happy. Today was the day of the big football game. Billy knew that with hard work he could be the best player on his team. Billy could be better than his best friend Ernie. Billy could be better than his big brother Tim. Billy could be better than everyone. His mom told him, “Billy if you work hard you will be good.”

Billy wanted to be ready for the big game. He asked his big brother Tim to throw the ball with him outside in the flower garden. “I will be better than you at football if I work hard,” Billy said. Tim laughed. Billy stood near the trees. Tim stood by the house.

“Throw the ball to me,” Billy said. Tim threw the ball. The ball sailed in the air and over Billy’s head. “You threw the ball into the woods,” Billy said. “I will go get it and throw it back.”

Billy went into the woods to get the ball. A bear jumped out from behind a rock. The bear ate Billy’s legs and face. “I can’t find the ball,” Billy said. The bear snapped Billy’s spine and tore off his arms.

Tim went inside. He told his mom that Billy was dead. “I guess maybe hard work will not make you good,” she said.

THE END

———————-

andreastreeter: Here’s my little contribution to the cause....

Mon, 30 Apr 2012 23:33:05 -0700

andreastreeter:

Here’s my little contribution to the cause. Support Best Friends Forever!

Petition • Facebook • #SaveBFF • Watch it again • Pin it

patbaer: #SAVEBFF

Sun, 29 Apr 2012 09:25:13 -0700

patbaer:

#SAVEBFF

connorratliff: HOW DO YOU SAVE A TV SHOW? Ugh. There was a...

Sun, 29 Apr 2012 09:24:36 -0700

connorratliff:

HOW DO YOU SAVE A TV SHOW?

Ugh. There was a time when TV shows really got a long run to prove themselves before the networks decided whether to yank them off the air. When I was a little kid, I was aware of shows that were deemed complete failures, like the Dukes Of Hazzard spin-off Enos and the Three’s Company spin-off The Ropers. (Yes, I am old. But still well within the coveted 18-49 demographic, so there.) At the time, I remember hearing about those shows being total ratings disasters, and yet they were allowed to make it to 22 episodes and 28 episodes, respectively.

Likewise, the big hits of the 80s and 90s, Cheers and Seinfeld, were both low-rated in their early seasons, but were given time to find an audience.

We live in a different reality now, obviously.

Everybody’s heard the news about Best Friends Forever being yanked from the NBC schedule until perhaps this summer. And It’s easy to assume the worst— anyone who is a fan of quality television shows has had their heart broken more than a few times over the years, and we’ve all seen a lot of “save our show” campaigns end in disappointment.

Petitions and twitter campaigns are one modern tool at our disposal. You can also send “scoops” to NBC, certainly. I’d imagine that fans are developing all sorts of ways of getting NBC’s attention to let them know that there is a passionate audience out there that wants to see more of this show.

I have one suggestion, for anyone who’s interested. First, two examples of shows that met very different fates:

CASE #1: ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT

I was one of the frantic ones while this show was in peril, and I was practically apoplectic at what I perceived to be FOX’s non-existent efforts to grow the show’s audience. (Before anyone tries the knee-jerk “FOX gave it three seasons” argument, it has been documented by NYTimes TV writer Bill Carter that Rupert Murdoch personally hated the show, and it was therefore not in the best interest of anyone at FOX to help the show do better. It was too critically beloved to cancel it quickly, so they let it die on the vine instead. Case closed.)

One of the specific things that most frustrated me was that Arrested Development was not available to purchase on iTunes. The fans were begging for ways to show their support, and for ways to demonstrate that the Nielsen ratings didn’t tell the full story. Meanwhile, the #1 show on iTunes was…

CASE #2: THE OFFICE (U.S.A. version)

The Office was not a hit at first, not by a long shot. The ratings weren’t that good for the brief first season, and a big part of the reason that they finally got a full order for a second season was that NBC put the show on iTunes, where it did great. It was easily the most popular show, almost instantly, occupying 17 slots of the iTunes Top 100 downloads. Now, years later, it’s one of NBC’s top rated shows.

This is a long rambling way of saying: one thing you can do to help save Best Friends Forever, if you are so inclined, is to buy a season pass on iTunes. It’s like 13 bucks for the whole first season, which is basically the same price as if you were to individually buy the 4 episodes they have for sale individually.

It might sound like a dumb idea— after all, if you like the show, you’ve presumably seen the 4 episodes that are already up, and they’re available for free on the NBC website or hulu. The idea of paying money for TV shows that are available for free already is ridiculous. I feel dumb typing this.

BUT: it is one way of showing support for the show, and it’s basically like paying for a movie ticket (if you live in a big city where movies are crazy expensive) or a pizza or some other thing that costs as much as a pizza. And if the goal is to convince NBC that there is a devoted audience that wants this show on the air, then maybe BFF selling a lot of iTunes downloads is one way to get their attention. It’s like voting with your dollars to say “keep making more of these, please. Here is some of my money!”

I know if FOX had put Arrested Development episodes for sale on iTunes back when it was on the bubble, I would have happily bought them all if I though it had even a small chance of saving the show. It worked for The Office. Maybe it can in some small way contribute to keeping BFF on the air long enough for more people to discover it…

AGAIN: GO HERE IF YOU WANNA BUY A SEASON PASS OF “BEST FRIENDS FOREVER” ON iTUNES!

Cause Chaos (Taken with instagram)

Fri, 27 Apr 2012 08:06:08 -0700

Cause Chaos (Taken with instagram)

Time to reboot the franchise (Taken with instagram)

Fri, 27 Apr 2012 08:04:06 -0700

Time to reboot the franchise (Taken with instagram)

UNABASHED

Thu, 26 Apr 2012 21:25:00 -0700

Everybody shut your mouths for a second so I can say this. Now! Everybody shut up! Larry!

I know everyone’s talking about me, so I want to say this one time. Okay? And I want everybody to listen.

Am I sad those horses died? Of course. But frankly, I find this shitstorm of a media circus to be ridiculous. If an actor died on set, would anyone blame the director? Of course not! But a couple’a horses keel over and suddenly we’re shutting down production and I’m being forced to gladhand at horse-lover dinners so those idiots won’t post mean comments on our Hulu page.

Horses die! Get over it!

Here’s a little showbiz story for you: Did you know Air Bud had cancer? Of course you didn’t. Because he was a professional animal. He had the common decency to die after the completion of principal photography. (Fun Fact: We brought in Andy Serkis for reshoots. The man’s a genius.)

Now, I do not want to read in some sloppy trade paper tomorrow that I stood up in the middle of celebrity fundraiser for spina bifida and announced that I hate horses. It’s not true! To paraphrase our President, “I don’t hate all horses, I hate dumb horses.” And dumb horses are the horses that die.

Now, I am writing a big check tonight. A very big check. And I’ll be honest, it’s shut up money. I am paying for every goddamned fair-weathered horse lover in Hollywood to never say the word “Horse” in conjunction with my name or my work ever again. It’s a bonus to me that the money will actually go to help those sad children we watched sing “I Believe I Can Fly” before dinner. But the primary reason I’m writing this check? Is because I hate you all.

Larry, the floor is yours. I’m going to the bathroom to do some blow.

———————-

I still have an iPad!

Wed, 25 Apr 2012 23:08:12 -0700

I still have an iPad!

"Nobody ever lives their life all the way up except bullfighters."

Wed, 25 Apr 2012 09:36:22 -0700

“Nobody ever lives their life all the way up except bullfighters.”

- Ernest Hemingway

CAHOOT

Tue, 24 Apr 2012 22:23:00 -0700

He knew as soon as he said it that he’d spend the rest of the evening, maybe the rest of his life, apologizing for it. What had he said five hundred times!? We should write the vows! But Martha thought it’d be romantic if they “just said what was in their hearts.” So nothing was written (because Martha always gets her way) and then Dave up and called her a cunt.

The audience reaction was mixed. Their friends clearly assumed it was some kind of joke (Dave was, after all, the “funny friend” due to his amazing ability to recall Simpsons dialogue appropriate for any situation). Of course, Martha’s parents gasped (They had only ever heard the word spoken once before, in that awful play they left at intermission, the one about the salesmen). And the minister continued with the ceremony as if nothing untoward had occurred at all (probably because he had conducted so many wedding ceremonies that he barely paid any attention at all).

“And now you, Martha. You may begin your vows.”

“Did you just call me a cunt?!”

Again her parents gasped. But this time the friends did not gasp (Martha was never funny and she did not enjoy The Simpsons one bit). The minister made a noise like he had just tasted garbage, dropped his Bible on floor, then said something incomprehensible.

“I’m sorry!” Dave said. “Something weird happened in my brain. I wanted to end with something extra sweet and the next thing I knew I was saying you were my beautiful little cunt.”

“Stop saying that word!”

The minister picked up his Bible. “I, uh, believe we may have, uh, departed from the, uh, expectations of the, uh-“

“Shut up!” Martha ripped the veil off her head and threw it at Dave. “And you’re an idiot!”

She stomped down the aisle, the same aisle she and Dave were supposed to walk down together a few minutes from now as man and wife. Then Dave, alone at the altar and wholly ashamed, announced in a loud, clear, perfect voice, “The lesson is: never try.”

———————-