Well folks, I don’t know who reads this, but yet another year has happened and then ceased to happen all in less than 400 days. Even after living through it so many times, I still marvel at the majesty. And so, I present without further adieu (ado? adew? akookachoo? (that’s a music joke)) …
Jeremiah’s New Year’s Resolutions For The New Year 2013
1. Stop Pretending I’m Happy
I usually spend New Year’s Eve writing personalized “Happy New Year” messages on the Facebook walls of all of my “friends.” (P.S. if a word is in quotes, then it doesn’t mean what it says it means). Then I spend New Year’s Day at IHOP trying all the different syrups to decide if my favorite is still blueberry (P.P.S. it is). After that I usually go home and catch up on DVRed episodes of “The Price is Right.” (that time the quotes don’t mean anything). Anyway, I’m real sad. And this year I want to find a friend (no quotes) that I can say that to.
2. Drive Drunk
Hold your horses hotheads! I want no harm to come from this. But I would like a real shot at taking that drunk test the police make people do, cause I think I’d ace it. Backwards alphabet? No problem. I do it in my sleep (literally). I also whisper it when I wait in lines. And on Saturdays, when I drink brandy and watch “Mythbusters,” I practice tiptoeing and I touch my nose a bunch. I’ll be honest, I haven’t totally thought this one through, but it would be nice to be good at something.
3. Capture a Fruit Bat
This one is pretty self-explanatory.
4. Force Someone to Love Me
Long time readers of this blog (MOM!) will remember this is a repeat from last year. And I got real close in 2012 with Gina Who Works At Hardees (I don’t know her real name). I made sure to compliment her appearance every single day while I ordered my sausage biscuit and water, and in August she gave me a free hashbrown. Not sure if she’s really wife material though, so the hunt continues…
5. Burn My House Down
I keep having this cool dream where everything I own is in a big pile and it’s all on fire and as the fire trucks arrive, I stand in front of my burning life and I shout “Behold! A new beginning!!” Then the water from the fire hose hits me real hard and I wake up.
So that’s it! Here’s to another year of spinning around the sun. And FYI - I am definitely having another Fourth of July cookout this year and I’m announcing it now so everyone (MOM!) can’t say they already have other plans. BYOMeat!
