I received this great email last week. It was titled “Everybody needs protection,” which sounds vaguely threatening. A lot of it barely makes any sense, probably because English is clearly not the author’s primary language.
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Dear Anthony,
My name is STRANGER and I’m a freelance Italian comedy writer based in New York and Rome.
Friends of my friends told me that in your company you don’t have a Mafia professional.
Well, here I am. I’m your man.
I offer my perspective on “cultural and shocking differences” between Italian and American crimes with an original point of view on events, new market trends, sex and custom facts, current affairs, gossip celebrities, lifestyles and new technologies. For example, did you know that Third Millennium Italian mobsters are Law PHD, invest in Ground Zero rebuilding and get married to WASP girls? I know what you are thinking. Italians like Park Avenue Jews! Yes, the same talent for blood business, from Tom Ponzi to Bernie Madoff.
After all, every culture on earth has organized crime and the NIAF wouldn’t exist if Italians had not done a great organizing job, making it one of the most recognized brand names in the world!
This is an example of my ironic Italian view on American lifestyle.
My track record includes also a micro-budgeted feature for which I’m looking for an American partnership to remake a US version. It’s a surreal-grotesque comedy, starring English, American and Italian actors, that tries to answer the following question: What would happen if an English misogynist detective, specializing in firing annoying employees, could hear their sexual preferences?
Therefore, I would like to know if you would accept a wise guy like me in your group as cultural consultant for an update on what happens in Europe regarding the main events in showbiz, current affairs and pop culture.
I know you need me, even if you don’t know it yet.
Best regards,
STRANGER
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He included a link to some of his “English jokes.” Here are my favorites:
-“If Darwin had put a reward on God, the creationists would go hunting for Godmoney, instead of praying.”
-“My Californian girlfriend’s favourite book are “Siddharta”, “Jonathan Livingstone Seagull” and “The Alchemist”. With these tastes, I think I’m going to dump her and her book at the next bookcrossing bench.”
-“My fiancees’ mothers have been always checking out me nails, hair and shoes. I just laid them.”
-“Frisco is the world capital for one way tickets. After many years, the Golden Gate is still the ideal place for a suicide.”
-“I won the challenge as best psycopath fan of Lady Gaga. I changed sex thanks to the penis gifted by winner in the category best normal fan.”
