This STRANGER wanted to do his show at the UCB Theatre in May.  It’s already May, so we are booked.  Also, we don’t know this guy and have never seen his show.  The UCBTNY Artistic Associate, John Frusciante, responded to his request with a one line email: “Unfortunately we are booked up for May. Thanks for contacting me about your show and keep in touch about what you’re doing.”

STRANGER’S RESPONSE:

OK John.  Do you want to see the show before I do it in a 7 pm slot in front of 40 people?  I’m not following what your entry requirements are.  The show ran in 2 American cities and was nominated for a national award.  As the show’s creator I’ve got a list of credits as long as Motumbo’s arm.  I know it’s not ‘My Crazy Italian-American Trinidadian Parents hate me being ambidextrious and other stories about my man vagina’.  But I thought UCB was into doing things differently than the generic mediocrity which fills small theatre stages across this great land of ours.  Or do I need to open with “I need a name and a location” or ” I need you to slide your arms through mine and then we’ll all graduate from Second City together and teach kids the way to getting commercial work.”    Becasue I can write that.  Oh wait I wouldn’t have to write it.  I would just have to be shunned by real theatre and then pay money for classes to get into the Upright Citizens Brigade where formulaic hacks could teach me how to ‘not think’ and I could do exercises like ‘I clap my hands you clap your hands’ and then that great game called ‘all improv women are handsome enough to be considered somewhat attractive’.  I hope Del Close comes back to life and shits out the final cut of Mike Meyer’s Love Guru onto your chest in a steaming pile of turd you faux power hungry philistine.

MY RESPONSE TO HIS RESPONSE:

Hi STRANGER -

I’m Anthony King, the Artistic Director of the UCB Theatre in NYC.  I’m just a little less hungry for faux power than John.

I’m not sure why you wanted to do your show at our hack theatre, but you sound like a delightful person.  So I should be honest with you.  You’re right to be upset!  You’re not the first comedian with a solo show and a blurry You Tube video to demand a place on our stage.  Usually we cancel all our shows and book those egotistical strangers right away.  But not this time.  We decided to single you out.  I said to John, “Hey, I bet if we tell this guy that we’re already booked, he’ll get incredibly angry for no reason at all and then write us some amazingly stupid shit.”

Well…I was right.  So thank you.

Best,
Anthony

P.S.  Your show about a Del Close zombie that craps bad movies sounds hilarious.  When it’s ready for the stage, please submit it to us so we can reject you again.